If you asked me to summarize what I felt about this show. I would say something along the lines of…
Sometimes you might feel like you’re dealt the worst cards in a pack. Even then, to think you can’t enjoy the game without ever winning is foolish.
I’ve often felt like I’ve been at a disadvantage with everything. I have less than average memory skills. I’ve never had any sporting abilities. I used to be the guy who always got picked on at school. Nothing seemed to go my way. At least, that’s what I wanted to believe.
There’s this comfort in being sad. To be in a state of gloom has a certain satisfaction to it. I used to adore it. Like a poisonous fruit, you can’t stop eating. Though I knew of the dangers, I envied the taste more. This love for being sad is like a self-sustaining loop. Like, ouroboros eating their own tail for eternity. I wanted to be sad for eternity. I wanted to feel something. If misery was what was available, I wanted to drown in it.
One of the most common thoughts I had back then was. “What would I feel if I got told I would die today?“. In a way, I felt nothing about it. I didn’t feel any ties at all to my family. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. It was as if I was a creature born to this world with no roots or relations to call home. Further, I ‘wanted’ to be like that. I didn’t want anything to tie me down. I was scared of it. At the time, death looked to me like what candy would look like to a child.
Is it worth it? I would ask myself again and again. To not feel anything. Was it a worthy price to pay for the cards I was dealt? For most of my life, my answer would have been yes. It most definitely is worth not feeling anything when the alternative is misery. Who would want pain? But then again. If you numb yourself from the sadness you feel when you lose something. Would you not lose the joy you feel when you get it, in return.